How many Local Government Ombudsmen does it take to change a Council owned light bulb?
The question is irrelevant, Local Government Ombudsmen would never admit that a Council owned light bulb was at fault!
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Hear no evil
A Local Government Ombudsman was walking through a Council owned forest alone. A tree fell right in front of them......they didn't hear it.
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Spin cycle?
Local Government Ombudsman to Council Chief Executive Officer: "Now I've cleared your Council of maladministration, tell
me, did you actually do it?"
Chief Executive Officer: "After hearing your amazing spin, even I'm beginning to think we didn't."
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Guess who got the job?
A selection committee was selecting a new Local Government Ombudsman. They had
narrowed the candidates down to a Solicitor, a Barrister and a Council Chief
Executive Officer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "What is
maladministration?" The Solicitor answered immediately, "faulty administration"
The Barrister thought for several minutes and finally answered, "a fault in the
process of taking a decision" Finally the Council CEO stood up, peered around
the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him.
In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "what do you want it to be?"
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Baby Ombudsmen
Nappies and Ombudsmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.
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An accurate observation?
A lot has been said about Local Government Ombudsmen; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate.
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What do you call an impartial, open and honest person at an Ombudsman's convention?
An intruder.
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Ombudsmen hell
John passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with the
arrangements, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse
was to complain to an Ombudsman. John immediately advised St. Peter that he
intended to complain to an Ombudsman but was immediately informed that it would
be at least three years before his complaint would be looked at. John protested
that a three-year wait was unconscionable. However, his words fell on deaf ears.
John was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange
for his complaint to be handled in just a few days, but only if John agreed to
move to Hell. When John inquired why complaints could be handled so much faster
in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, "Who do you think has all the Ombudsmen!"
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What's the problem with jokes about Local Government Ombudsmen?
Local Government Ombudsmen don't think they are funny whilst other people don't think they are jokes.
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How can you tell when a Local Government Ombudsman is spinning a line?
Their lips are moving.?
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Why is a Doctor held in much higher esteem than an Ombudsman?
A Doctor makes an analysis of a appalling illness whereas an Ombudsman makes you ill with a appalling analysis!
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The brass Ombudsman
A man walked into a junk shop and looked around. After a while, he saw a brass
rat and decided to buy it. The shop keeper said, that will be £5 for the brass
rat and £1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just
have the brass rat, forget about the story.' The man purchased the brass rat and
left the shop. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts
of rats following him. The further he walked the more rats followed. He walked
down to the canal and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he threw
the brass rat into the canal and all the rats followed it and drowned. He
returned to the shop where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in,
the shop keeper said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the £1,000 for the story,
right?' 'No,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass
Ombudsmen.
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Ombudsmen and delays
A bad Ombudsman can let a case drag out for several years. A good ombudsman can make it last even longer.
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Arguing with an Ombudsman
Arguing with an Ombudsman is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
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Ombudsmen's Statistics
Ombudsmen's statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
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Lesser of two evils
Ombudsman: 'The complainant alleges that you
harassed and intimidated them, do you know what the penalties are for
maladministration?'
Council Chief Executive Officer: 'Yes, I do. They're a
hell of a lot better than the penalty for harassment and intimidation.'
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Oily rag
Council Chief Executive responding to an Ombudsman, 'If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you'.
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Monkey Ombudsman
A man walked into a pet shop and looked at the animals on display. While he was
there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an
Ombudsman's investigator monkey please."The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a
cage full of monkeys and took out a monkey saying, "That'll be £5,000 ." The
customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the man went over to the
shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most are only a few
hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah,
that monkey can find ways of terminating a complaint that you wouldn't even
dream of and is well worth the money." The man looked at a monkey in another
cage. "that one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, it's an
Assistant Ombudsman monkey; it answers all complainant's queries, comes up with
perverse excuses, spins a line and can collude with Council's Solicitor monkeys.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The man saw another monkey.
"this one's even more expensive! £15,000! What does this one do?" "Oh, that's a
Deputy Ombudsman monkey; it runs the Local Government Ombudsman's internal
complaints procedure ensuring that all complaints are squashed, it constantly
develops new procedures for stuffing complaints and can fiddle statistics like
no other monkey can. All the really difficult stuff," said the shopkeeper. The
man looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey all by itself in a
cage of its own, eating a banana. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He
gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually
seen it do anything yet, but it says it's an Ombudsman."
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Operation Ombudsman
Four surgeons are discussing who makes the
best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.
The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the
file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." But
the fourth surgeon shouted, "You're all wrong. Ombudsmen are the easiest to
operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are
interchangeable."
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Ombudsman clocking off
A man dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing
the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me
show you around?" The man thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room,
library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?" "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person
dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense, but
notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that
is. "Every time a living person ignores injustice, it speeds up his clock." This
also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving
and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands
are spinning round at an unbelievable rate. "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's an Ombudsman's clock. We decided to use
it as a fan.
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Ombudsman chocolate
A confectionery company is going to dedicate a their latest chocolate bar to
Ombudsmen. Apparently they guarantee it will make you sick.
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Ombudsman from hell
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he
passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as an
ombudsman snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have
to roast for all eternity, and that ombudsman gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman.' 'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.' Who
are you to question that woman's punishment?
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What's the difference between an ombudsman and a kebab?
A) One should be skewered and left over flames, the other is a tasty meal.
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Ombudsman's internal memo
We have carried out an internal review of staff fitness and discovered that this
organisation requires no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise
jumping to hasty conclusions, burying maladministration, running away from
reality, sucking up to those in authority, pushing their luck and fiddling
statistics. As a result we will not be insisting that staff enrol on a physical
fitness program.
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Anagram
An anagram of Ombudsman is Dumb Mason.
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The case of the whitewashed rabbit
During a recent review, Judges, Tribunal Chairmen and Ombudsmen all try to prove
to the Government that they are better at resolving problems than the other two.
As a result the Government decide to test them. They release a white
rabbit into the headquarters of three public authorities and asks each of the
groups to try and find it. The Judges questioned all relevant public authority staff and all
material witnesses and after extensive questioning find the rabbit. The Tribunal Chairmen also questioned all relevant public authority
staff and material witnesses and after extensive questioning they also find the
rabbit. The Ombudsmen wandered aimlessly around the building for a few
months making a lot of noise and then suggested that the rabbit didn't exist
because the public authority had told them so.
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One line Ombie jokes (or not as the case may be)
An Ombudsman doesn't know the meaning of the word "impartial" - but then again
they don't know the meaning of most words.
We don't think Ombudsmen collude with councils, but what's our opinion compared
to that of thousands of others.
We don't want to make a monkey out of Ombudsmen. Why should we take all the
credit?
Ombudsmen shouldn't feel too bad, a lot of people have no talent!
An Ombudsman is about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.
We all spring from apes but Ombudsmen didn't spring far enough.
What an Ombudsman lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," makes an
Ombudsman practically invulnerable.
We'd like to see things from an Ombudsman point of view but we can't get our
heads that far up a chief executive officer's ass.
Ombudsman's staff follow them anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
We used to think Ombudsmen were a pain in the neck. Now we have a much lower
opinion of them.
The Ombudsman promised to keep an open mind. The only problem was that
everything went straight through.
We reprimand supporters for mimicking the Ombudsman. We tell them not to act
like a fools.
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